the need to feel like you're in

Yesterday on This American Life on public radio, host Ira Glass was interviewing a comedian, and their conversation has really stuck with me.

In particular, I keep thinking about Glass' comments. They were talking about growing up and families and feeling accepted. Glass said it seems like there are some people who are always in. From the beginning, and through the toughest times in life - with family, high school, even adult relationships and marriage - they always feel as if they are in, like they belong, and they don't doubt they belong there and are completely wanted there.

Then there are those, as Glass identified himself, that need constant approval, as if at any moment it's all going to come crashing down. He said even with his wife, he wakes up each day feeling the need to prove himself anew.

His words really struck a chord with me, as I see that in myself. I find myself unable to get completely comfortable, particularly in my relationships. I often don't feel in. Although I know the relationships I have spent so many years building couldn't possibly be so fleeting, and I also have to give credit to the other players in this, but I have a hard time accepting the acceptance, I guess. At any moment, I feel like my friends are going to say, "Sara, it's been fun, but you just don't fit in, and we've decided things would be better without you here." Or, "Sara, we like you, you're great, but you have to understand you will always be one ring removed, one level away from the center."

I know most of this is self esteem. And I know how annoying it can be for those who care about me to every once in a while be faced with my need for approval, and trust me it's something I have spent many years working on. ... But is there something else? Maybe something from our childhood? Something in the genes?

The comedian he was interviewing described a time when she was called on stage to be an audience volunteer, and at the end, when the host ask for everyone to applause, they all did - except for her dad. His approval wasn't so easy. Later when she asked why he didn't clap, he said, "What for? You didn't do anything!"

So that alluded to her childhood issues with approval. Thinking about my life, I can't find any of these moments or emotions - and I will be the first to say that there is a point where you can't keep blaming your parents and your childhood. But I guess the whole topic (which was maybe 3 minutes of the whole show) got me thinking about my own personality, and the roots of it.

It also made me wonder if this is indeed true - are there people like this, is it this black and white? Are there people who naturally feel in, while others always feel like approval is fragile and temporary? Or does everyone have moments of each, and low self esteem makes some more prone?

getting settled

Finally. I have landed in a city that I might just stay in for more than a couple months.

But not without a slight travel mishap. And as these things go, it happened mere miles away from our final destination. We were tooling along a Maryland interstate, licking the last sticky bit of ice cream cones from our fingers, when I heard the familiar sound of a tire blow out.

No big deal. Right? Well, that's until we pulled over and tried to unscrew the lug nuts and maybe one was rusted or a wire was crossed or it just was not our lucky afternoon, but one nut just slap broke off. After many tugs and many more profanities, pride was swallowed and AAA was called. Kenny came out in his badass towtruck, chatted us up, sprayed some WD40 on the lug and tugged the sad, limp tire off.

Again, all set. Right? Not so much. Kenny proceeds to screw on the spare tire to set us on our merry way, when he notices the spare doesn't fit. It's the wrong spare. How does this happen, I ask. Who knows? In all his days (and judging by his beet-red baby face couldn't have been many), Kenny has never seen this.

A short truck ride with Kenny and a couple hours later, I had a new tire and related accoutrements, $200 less in my bank account, and a slight buzz from beers at Ruby Tuesdays while we waited.

Finally, we made it. I think I am still having mixed emotions about moving and trying to get settled, as illustrated by my complete, unexpected come-apart in the parking lot after seeing The Break Up (and I don't think I was torn up by the acting). Maybe I'm still a bit stressed about hearing back about an apartment (fingers crossed, people, this place rules), still being in everyone's way - this time with all our stuff spread out across my friends' living room, finding work, being a grown-up and all the related business that goes with that. Yep, I guess that's it, and while I try to keep an oh-this-is-what-makes-life-exciting attitude, I am daydreaming of a time where I am finally settled. It seems so foreign these days, I wonder if it exists.

who am I kidding?

I should have known the hiatus wouldn't last long, and really this month or so was too long, if you ask me. For a few weeks, I reflected on this forum and licked my wounds and tried to figure out if I wanted to keep writing here. Then I realized that as usual, I was overthinking it, being a tad melodramatic, and I just needed to just shut up and get back to the business of writing.

To follow in the "mass email" theme, I'll start with a bit of news about me. I have finally determined where I am moving. After bouncing around for a few months (most recently staying at my dad's house with all my stuff stored in the garage), and being somewhat transient for the last two years, I finally have plans to settle in Baltimore. I know, I know. The city doesn't really command the drum roll and flying confetti as some other spots, but I do think it will be the best spot for me now. Trust me, I know the pros and cons of the city, and have spent time there when I lived in DC. (As my friend CK put it, it has just the right amount of white trash - which is a good thing that DC altogether lacked - but it doesn't have a rep for being particularly safe.)

Anyway, my long-time boyfriend (that's my new term for him... says more than just boyfriend, but he isn't my husband...) just accepted an awesome job. We've also got friends there, and we were ready to move somewhere kind of familiar and close to home. For me, the job search has amounted to a massive bitch slap, so I decided to step away for a bit, continue to freelance, and then once settled, find an equally awesome journo-related job.

So that's the news. We leave next week. And my first item of business after we find an apartment is to buy a couch. (We have nary a stick of furniture between the two of us and I fantasize about stretching out on a real live couch - and not the kind that was lifted from the high school rec room like the one we used to have.)

I have spent the last two weeks at my dad's house in Alabama, and as usual, there are so many things that are just awesome and so many things that are shocking.

Awesome: Perhaps it's a given, but what comes to mind is the stick-to-your-ribs pulled pork BBQ sandwiches dripping in sweet and smoky sauce and served next to greasy onion rings and cold light beer.

Shocking: Bumper sticker in rural Alabama that had a Confederate flag and said "Fighting Terrorism since 1861." Reminds me of a T-shirt I saw in Panama City Beach, Florida that said alongside a Confederate flag: "You've got your X, I've got mine."

Awesome: Floating lazily down a river in inner tubes with a few cool Bud Light tall boys in hand, spotting sunning turtles and generally having the giggles. (Equally awesome is the man who drove us in the back of his truck down to the river: He was donning dirty tan overalls and a baseball cap, had eyes that didn't entirely point in your direction when he was talking to you, and when he spoke, it often took a few minutes and a couple other natives to understand what he was saying.)

Shocking: Someone close to me (who's relation and name is withheld) saying "Now we just have to figure out what to do with all the Mexicans."

That's the South for you, I guess. For a while, we considered staying. There were a couple of job options that had this fine town on the table, and it was easy to get swept up in the romantic idea of living here - where we have friends and family, the weather's hot but nice, the food's always greasy delicious, the people are nice and the pace of living is slow and kind. As much as I love it, I think it's probably lucky that it didn't work out. Perhaps I love it so much because I am only here to visit. I can shake my head at the local political ads that use the word "liberal" and "gay" with disdain and the lingering ignorance of the South. And I can revel in the culture, the food, the lifestyle. And maybe one day, it will draw me back.