the need to feel like you're in

Yesterday on This American Life on public radio, host Ira Glass was interviewing a comedian, and their conversation has really stuck with me.

In particular, I keep thinking about Glass' comments. They were talking about growing up and families and feeling accepted. Glass said it seems like there are some people who are always in. From the beginning, and through the toughest times in life - with family, high school, even adult relationships and marriage - they always feel as if they are in, like they belong, and they don't doubt they belong there and are completely wanted there.

Then there are those, as Glass identified himself, that need constant approval, as if at any moment it's all going to come crashing down. He said even with his wife, he wakes up each day feeling the need to prove himself anew.

His words really struck a chord with me, as I see that in myself. I find myself unable to get completely comfortable, particularly in my relationships. I often don't feel in. Although I know the relationships I have spent so many years building couldn't possibly be so fleeting, and I also have to give credit to the other players in this, but I have a hard time accepting the acceptance, I guess. At any moment, I feel like my friends are going to say, "Sara, it's been fun, but you just don't fit in, and we've decided things would be better without you here." Or, "Sara, we like you, you're great, but you have to understand you will always be one ring removed, one level away from the center."

I know most of this is self esteem. And I know how annoying it can be for those who care about me to every once in a while be faced with my need for approval, and trust me it's something I have spent many years working on. ... But is there something else? Maybe something from our childhood? Something in the genes?

The comedian he was interviewing described a time when she was called on stage to be an audience volunteer, and at the end, when the host ask for everyone to applause, they all did - except for her dad. His approval wasn't so easy. Later when she asked why he didn't clap, he said, "What for? You didn't do anything!"

So that alluded to her childhood issues with approval. Thinking about my life, I can't find any of these moments or emotions - and I will be the first to say that there is a point where you can't keep blaming your parents and your childhood. But I guess the whole topic (which was maybe 3 minutes of the whole show) got me thinking about my own personality, and the roots of it.

It also made me wonder if this is indeed true - are there people like this, is it this black and white? Are there people who naturally feel in, while others always feel like approval is fragile and temporary? Or does everyone have moments of each, and low self esteem makes some more prone?