When I was in high school, and the term "don't go there" wasn't tired and lame (and Ricki Lake was still on daytime television), my friends and I decided we were going to write a book called "Don't Go There." It was going to be a guide of blatant fashion violations to avoid at all costs. We used to sit around at the coffee shop and come up with chapter titles and new fashion don'ts.
No, we never wrote the book, and looking back, I am certain we were guilty of several violations. Either way, some ten years later, here's my "Don't Go There Fashion Guide: Holiday Edition."
Really, there is only one key fashion violation during the holidays: Christmas-themed appliqued sweaters or sweatshirts. They have never been in style, so me telling you they are a violation should come of little surprise. Wearing these oversized eye sores will not boost the holiday spirit of those around you, and in fact might have the opposite effect on others, like myself (much like holiday music, now that I think about it).
My brother noted today that you never see good looking, young, thin hotties prancing around the city streets wearing red sweaters bedecked with sparkling snowmen, jingling bells or a fuzzy Santa. It's usually the borderline obese women wandering around the suburban Southern mall. It might sound harsh, but he's right, and last time I checked, these women aren't the folks setting fashion standards. (Sometimes, I wonder if these sweaters proliferate outside of the South. Someone please enlighten me. I'm accepting photo submissions.)
Similarly, donning earrings with bells, Christmas trees, or related accoutrements should be illegal. Decorate your house, hang lights on your lawn, but seriously does it need to creep into the closet? Until the day I see someone rock a Christmas sweater tastefully (again, submissions), I'm going to say no. Is there a way to dress festively without looking like an idiot? I am sure there must be, but I haven't seen it.
Also related, is dressing your children in matching holiday outfits - either matching your festive garb or matching each other. Nine times out of ten they don't look cute, only tortured and silly.
After discussing holiday fashion violations with my brother, we decided there was at least one thing that could slide: Dressing pets in holiday-themed sweaters, reindeer antlers and jingle bell collars? Fine. Anything dogs do is awesome and cute.
Editor's note: I don't claim to be a fashion czar, and have been called out many times on my taste (such as moustaches and plaid shirts, but c'mon those are awesome!). But this is my blog, and I get to act like I know something. Also, I (and my brother) kind of become a scrooge this time of year when surrounded by slow-driving, Christmas-sweater-wearing Southerners lapping up the Christmas sales and humming about building a snowman in the morning. Jesus. Bah humbug.
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7 comments:
umm, actually...a couple of weeks ago i went to the local kmart to get some boots, and they were having a sale on these christmas themed sweaters that you speak of. 40% off. not a bad deal. i was tempted...
Best call *ever* on this whole post. Trust me, those larger-woman-attracting sweaters are everywhere, especially in the Midwest. Although, come to think of it, I have family members who don them who aren't overweight. I'll see your observation and raise you that I think the desire to dress up like a friggin' Christmas tree is solely rural in nature. Comes with being generally out of touch with all things hip. When worn by the right person, however, it can come off as charming and not necessarily sad and suburbanly overweight.
My father's Ireland-born aunt, for example, never comes to Christmas dinner without her jingly sweater. Be jealous of KM who will get to meet her and her festive wear tomorrow.
Ah, good point CK on the rural bit. The charming part, though? I am not quite convinced.
Nail art is awesome. Very Jersey, but I kind of wish the trend would spread.
OK SM, I'm putting your theory to the test. I'm growing a moustache, wearing a short-sleeved plaid button-up, a clip-on tie that's too short but in a hip way, thick black-frame glasses, and telling everyone I'm the drummer in Death Cab for Cutie. We'll see how many chicks I get.
Dick, I am afraid you have misunderstood. Moustache: yes. Wear it, but you must believe it, or else people will know you are trying to be something you're not.
Plaid shirt: OK. But then stop there. No dark rimmed glasses, and good God no clip on. (I never once said the last few things were acceptable - and Death Cab for Cutie will NOT win you women or friends.)
If you are going to rock the moustache (plaid shirt optional), own it, be comfortable with it and you'll love it and chicks then will love it too. Oh and be sure to stroke your 'stache frequently, as a sign of confidence in your new hot look.
Goodspeed Dickie.
My God Sara. Why couldn't you have said something sooner. I'm already wearing the tie and glasses, and the new Death Cab single drops tomorrow. It's too late for me; the rest of you go on living.
Don't worry, Dick. I am crafting an entry on 'staches for your guidance. Hang in there, help is on the way
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